|
Duh'rummer
Jokes
Spice
Girl Jokes | Other
Music Jokes <top
of page>
All these stories are true, only the
names have been changed to protect the stupid.
One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind
him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking
around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression,
the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and
screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these
years! I'm a Conductor!"
New category: Musical Oxymorons. For example
Snare Drum Music
Professional Drummer
Q: Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
A: Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!
From the Drummers Dictionary:
Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why to bands need Roadies?
A: To translate what the drummer says.
Two drummers walk into a bar...
which is funny because you would have figured the second
one
would have seen the first guy do it.
A new customer walks into the new store on the block that
sells brains.
There are three glass cases, each
containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one
says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says
"Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer"
and costs $10,000.
The customer is confused, and questions
the salesperson. "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's
brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for
$10?". The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."
Q: What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?
A: Farfromthinken
To get this joke, you probably have to know about the legendary
unpopularity of Buddy Rich amongst his band...
A horn player who had been playing
with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to
hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe
it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy
please?" Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away
last week." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung
up.
A couple of hours later, he called her again.
"Is Buddy there please?" "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer
with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.
Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again.
"Can I speak to Buddy please?"he said. She recognised his
voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!"And
slammed down the phone.
Two minutes later, and the phone rang again...
"Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked. Buddy's
wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy
is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to
ask for Buddy???!!!!"
He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love
hearing you say it."
Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum
machine once!
Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!
Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down
here!"
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside
the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll
turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich
and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one
of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it
in her pocket.
The other girl said, "What did you
do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid.
I know a talking frog is worth
heaps more than a famous drummer
any day!!!"
Q: What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it
up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides
to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments.
He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store
clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and
that accordian". The store clerk looks at him a bit funny,
and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but
the radiator's got to stay".
A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt
AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar
with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
Shopkeeper: "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
Drummer: "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
Shopkeeper: "This is a travel agency."
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation.
As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound
of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat,
he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will
go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad
when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is
starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native
when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's
just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad
when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller
is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up
against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming
stops?!!"
"Bass solo."
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like
dark, man?")
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until
the room spins.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum
cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
(Hmmm... that inspires a turnaround variation...)
Q: Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A: You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff,
mechanical and uninspired.
If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and
the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time,
and a
drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who
would get the money? The drummer with bad time since the
other three don't exist.
I lady walks into a store and tell the man behind the counter
she would like some musician brains.
"Alright" he says, "What kind?".
"How much do they cost?" she asks.
"Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are
french horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at
$10 a pound." He replies.
"What are those way back there?" she asks.
"Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He
replies.
"GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?"
"Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get
a pound of brains?!?!".
Q: What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger
Baker?
A: A chiropodist bucks up your feet!!
(with apologies to Ginger Baker fans, ... and those that
needed to reach for the dictionary for that one)
Q: What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?
A: A really dumb gorrilla!!! (ba-dump bump crash!)
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They have a machine to do that now.
Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with
your girlfriend.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk
about
how much better Neil Peart would have done it!
Q: Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
A: So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the
sh*t on the road.
Q: Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high
school?
A: Me either.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is
waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly
fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately
recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really
is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven.
St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that
he's Buddy Rich."
Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him
Q #2: How can you make that drummer stop?
A: Put notes on it!
Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their
car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.
A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant:
"excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings
" The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer,
and says "pardon?"
"I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."
The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then
turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't
you?"
"Yeah! How did you know man?"
"This is a fish and chip shop."
Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow
up!
Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.
The classic one:
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking speeds up.
Or…
A: The knock slows down.
Or…
A: The knocking speeds up and slows down
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in.
Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig
and locked his keys in the car?
It took him two hours to get the drummer out....
One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that
drummer??"
"Beats me!"
Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about
it.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven
is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either
side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he
learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation
will match the intelligence of the people in them.
He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside,
"I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited
way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."
SLAM. Too rich for him.
He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the
door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and
though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his
generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."
SLAM.
Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted
to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey,
did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go
up again..."
SLAM.
How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last
night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters,
though..."
SLAM.
It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside
were looking at one another and drooling. Finally, he came
to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what
he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing
only two guys inside. "So," one said to the other, "what
size sticks do you use?"
A variation on the last one
Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet
you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good
salesman."
The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I
pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on." The other
grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells
the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject
is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street
Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So
they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics,
and Non-Euclidean geometry.
"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but
you still have two to go."
He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt,
and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him
"What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while
about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.
"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one
to go."
He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy
looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks
him "What's your IQ?" "About 60". "What kind of sticks do
you use?"
Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: How can you tell when the stage riser is level?
A: The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to
his job?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Q: What has three legs and an asshole on it?
A: A drummers stool.
Q: How do you get a drummer off of your
porch?
A: Pay him 10 bucks for the pizza.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about
how much better Neil Peart could've done it.
Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
Q: I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
A: He said, "the river or the state?"
Q: What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the
sea?
A: A good start!!
Q: How many drummers does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Three, if you slice them thin enough!
Q: Why are drummers always losing their watches?
A: Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.
Q: What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
A: The poster child for Birth Control.
Q: How do you call a drummer?
A: You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.
Q: What should you call a drummer?
A: It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway.
Q: What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
A: Mildly retarded.
Q: What's the best protection the Secret Service could have
against
a Presidential assassination?
A: Make a drummer the Vice-President.
Q: What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Why do drummers have lots of kids?
A: They're terrible at the rhythm method.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a savings
bond?
A: One will mature and make money.
Q: How can you get a drummer off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza!
Q: Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
A: So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the
sh*t on the road.
Q:How do you know when a drummer has been to your house
when nobody was home??
A: Your bin is empty and your cat is pregnant.!!
Q.why did the drummer cross the road?
A.his cock was stuck up the chickens ass
A bloke walks into a shop and says to the man at the counter
"I'd like to buy the coolest guitar and amp you've got"
The shopkeeper says "sorry mate
I can't sell you that cos your a Drummer" The bloke coughs
and splutters "I am not" he says "I'm a guitar player and
I want the best rig in the shop". "Look mate you are a Drummer
now piss off" replies the shopkeeper. The bloke angrily
turns and storms out of the shop.
About 5 mins later he returns and
sticks his head through the door and says rather sheepishly
"Alright mate how did you know I'm a Drummer".
To which the shopkeeper replies "Cos this is a Fish'n'chip
shop ya tool!!!"
Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two..one to change it, the other to operate the click
track.
A wise old saying...
"Drummers: Can't live with 'em. You're a folk group without
'em"
An Indian chief and a cavalry captain
climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire
Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like
the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's
not our regular drummer."
Looking for someone special who would
kill my drummer for $100.00.
Do not fear any negative consequences for this act. any
self respecting law enforcement agency would gladly turn
the other cheek once they hear this guy "play".
I am tired of hearing his 70's style fills put in the wrong
spot and ending one half beat early or late depending on
how much he's had to drink. I am tired of him standing up
behind his drums between songs and ripping his shirt off
and flexing his muscles at wedding receptions where we were
hired to play Air Supply, carpenters , and Ann Murray songs
because "chicks dig the pecs, dude".
I am tired of him showing up 20 minutes late for rehearsals
then pouting until someone helps him load in his drums,
then taking 30 minutes to set them up and needing a smoke
break every 15 minutes, then wanting to leave early because"this
chick is so fine, I can't say no, and she knows record people
dude, so it's for the band" I am totally done with him calling
me up at midnight to play me some damned jazz fusion album
from 1981, crying and saying how we shouldn't have sold
out to "the man"and asking if I know anyone who can get
him some weed knowing full well I smoked twice in 69 and
never touched it after that.
I am sick of him farting on stage where the drum mics pick
it up and thinking this shit is funny. I am tired of kicking
off slow ballads at well under 80 bpm only to have them
morph into the methamphetimine version of flight of the
bumble bee, because that's the tempo he "feels" it at. I
am tired of having to carry jumper cables to the gig because
"I must have left the dome light on again, dude"instead
of admitting his 84 oldsmobile is a worn out piece of crap.
I am tired of him asking when he's gonna get a drum solo..
I am tired of paying his tab at restaurants because "that
chick must have stole my wallet man, but it was worth it
'cause she was a phreak".. I will not move my amp again
so he can put another new cymbal on the stage, because "when
we learn some fusion i'll need this sound"...... ...please
somebody kill this motherfucker.
I can't do it because he's my brother and mom would be so
pissed off even though she thinks the band would probably
sound better too. besides, if you are good at killing drummers,
you could probably make a lot of money in this town.
Q: Why do drummers have lots of kids?
A: They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.
Q: What do you do if you accidentally
run over a drummer?
A: Back up.
Q: What did the drummer say to the band
leader?
A: "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece
suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
Spice
Girl Jokes
Duh'rummer
Jokes | Other
Music Jokes <top
of page>
Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.
Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ear.
Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: Why are jokes about the Spice Girls so short?
A: So that the girls themselves can understand them.
Q: What do you call a Spice Girl in a university?
A: A visitor.
Q: Why was Emma so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle
after 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said: "From 2-4 years".
Q: What do you do if a Spice Girl throws a grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q: Why did the Spice Girls climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: They heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl
and a UFO?
A: Don't know, I haven't seen either.
Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?
A: So they can work out what day it is.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice
Girl's head?
A: A space invader.
Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you call the Spice Girls after they have been
put in the toaster?
A: Pop Tarts.
Q: What happens when you kick a Spice Girl in the butt?
A: They get brain damage.
Q: What's a Spice Girl's favorite color?
A: Neopolitan.
Q: What's the best thing about a blow job from a Spice Girl?
A: 10 minutes of silence.
Q: What is the difference between a porno and a Spice Girls
video?
A: A porn video has good music.
Emma and Geri were locked out of their car and were trying
to open the door.
Emma: I can't get it open!
Geri: Well, hurry because the top's down and it looks like
it's going to rain!
Q: Why does it take a Spice Girl 2 hours to drink orange
juice?
A: The carton says concentrate.
Q: Why do the Spice Girls write T.G.I.F. on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Other
Music Jokes
Duh'rummer
Jokes | Spice
Girl Jokes | <top
of page>
Q: What do you get when you push a blues band down a spiral
staircase?
A: Jazz
Q: How do you know there's a singer at your door?
A: They have the wrong key but come in anyway
Q: How does a singer change a light bulb?
A: They hold the globe up in the air and wait for the world
to revolve around them
Q: What's the size difference between a violin and a viola?
A: Nothing, it's the violinist head that is bigger.
Did you hear the one about the bass player who so out of
tune that the lead guitarist noticed?
Q: What do you throw a bass player if he is drowning?
A: His rig!!
Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: 7. One to screw it in, six to all say how much better
they could have done it!
A lead singers wife is in a coma. Nurses are in her room
giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private
area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor
when she's touched there. So the husband (the singer) and
explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds,
maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her
out of the coma."
The singer is skeptical, but they
assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.
Anything is worth a try, so he finally agrees and goes into
his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's
monitor shows a flatline... no pulse...no heart rate. The
nurses run into the room. The singer is standing there,
pulling up his pants saing, "I think she choked."
Q: how do you know when somebody is a guitarist in a band?
A: He'll tell you
Q: What's the difference between a coffin and a keyboard?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside
A frog walks into a bank and approaches
the teller who's name, he can see from her tag, is Patricia
Whack. 'Miss Whack' he says 'My name is Kermit Jagger, my
father is Mick Jagger and I would like to borrow $30,000
for a holiday.
Patty says politely'I'm not sure
I can help with that sir'
Kermit replies' Look it's OK I know
the bank manager'.
'I will have to check with him'
patty says' Do you have any collateral for the loan.
'Of course' says Kermit and holds
up a tiny but perfectly formed pink elephant.
Patty takes the elephant and goes
to the managers office. "Excuse me sir but there is a frog
out the front trying to borrow $30,000 he says his name
is Kermit Jagger and that he knows you. He gave me this
as collateral' she holds up the elephant " What is it"?
To which the bank manager says.....
'It's a Knick-Knack , Patty Whack, give the frog a loan
his old man's a Rolling Stone'
Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have
in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about
it.
Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect
unision?
A: Shoot One.
Q: What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.
Q: What do an electric guitarist and a vacuum cleaner have
in common?
A: When you plug them in, they both suck.
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None, they just steal someone else's light.
A#2: 5. One to change the bulb and 4 do watch him and say
"I can do better than that."
A#3: Only one, but he'll go though a whole box of bulbs
before he finds just the right one.
Q: In the 22nd Century, how many guitarists will it take
to change a light source?
A: 5-- One to do it and 4 to reminisce about how much better
the old tubes were.
Q: What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
A: Who cares - neither one's a guitar!
Q: What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the
PLO?
A: You can negotiate with the PLO.
Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A: Neither have I.
Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.
Q: Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.
Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.
Q: What's the difference between God and Bono?
A:
God doesn't walk around thinking he's Bono
2 guys were walking down the street. One was destitute.
The other was a guitarist as well.
Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton and Gene
Simmons arrived to the golden gate in heaven and stood in
front of God on his throne. God spoke. "Before you get a
space beside me I have to ask you what you believe and have
faith within?
"I believe music and my guitar is
the meaning of life itself. Nothing generates so much joy
in to people's lives" said Hendrix. God offered a spot on
his left side to Hendrix.
"I think courage, honour and passion
is the meaning of life and I have tried to make my music
an example of that during my lifetime" said Clapton. God
offered a spot on his right side to Clapton
"And You Gene, what do you believe?"
Gene looked up, cleared his throat,
spitted on the ground and said: "I believe you are sitting
on my chair"
The Boston Symphony was performing
Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage
about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing
to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid,
some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern
next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in
quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey!
We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow
bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I
tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together
with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered
back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor
seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion,
"Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score
is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
Not really a joke,
but something to think about when you want a musician to
play at an event for free or "for the experience/exposure"
A lady called the Musicians Union
to inquire about the cost of booking a five-piece band with
a singer for a wedding.
The AFM rep informed her "Off the top of my head, roughly
two thousand dollars".
She says "WHAT? FOR MUSIC ?"...
The rep responds, "Ma'am... I'll
tell you what. Call the plumbers' union and ask for six
plumbers to work from six to twelve o'clock on a Saturday
night. Whatever they charge you, my guys'll work for half
of that."
She called back. "Okay I get your
point. Plese book them in"
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